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#192 THE CIVILIZATION II ERA Just before Civ3 is out, Rasbelin summarizes the last 5 years 191# THE ALLURE OF CIV What's so cool about civ? 190# THIS WONDERFULL CONCEPT OF FAITH Response to #189 189# HAVE A LITTLE FAITH Do you trust Firaxis to have done a good job or are there to many signs? 188# A CIV3 PREVIEW Solver summarizes our knowledge of civ3 COLUMN ARCHIVE

In response to my previous column Games I have got but have yet to "get" it was rwprice who finally nailed it on the head for me when he pointed out that what I had actually been doing subconsciously was searching for "the ultimate game" or "the one", the game to end all games. This has inspired me to philosophise on whether such a game can really exist. So can it?

Gamers for years have pondered the existence of such a thing. Many have sought for it but have yet to find it. Some [u]do[/u] claim to have found it, but most of this is rumour and conjecture and we are yet to see positive proof that they actually have. Is it a search that will never find an end, is the promise of "the one" like the proverbial carrot before the horse? For it turns out many games have been found that on the surface have come close to being "the one", but once you dig a little bit, you find a lack of substance underneath. Some games appears at first to finally be "it", but after a few weeks or even days or hours of playing, we discover that it wasn't "the one" after all, merely we had an infactuation, and having woken out of the intial thrill of it , this game now sits on the shelf gathering dust. When we look at it now, we wonder what we ever saw in it. Even the thought that it could've been "the one" seems ridiculous.

Reviewers often do not help in this noble search for the truth of this matter. How many times has a review been written about how this latest game is finally "the one" to get, this is "the one" we must have, how can we seriously call ourselves a gamer without it etc so in our naivety we buy it only to be hugely disappointed. When will we ever learn not to take seriously a hyped-up games review by an over-enthusiatic reviewer who even himself regrets what he's written once he's sobered up the next day. After all, even a game of Tiddlewinks can look brilliant after a few too many tequillas.

The idea of what "The Ultimate Game" is can be, of course, a matter of personal taste, but for the most part, for every new game that shows promise, there is always something that is not quite right. Either the AI is defficient, or the graphics aren't quite up to it, or the interface is too clumsy, or there are never enough options, or there isn't a "fun factor". There always seems to be something lacking. And the game developers, well knowing the deficiencies, nevertheless never fix everything as they should; they often fix [u]some[/u] things but there's always those tantalising few crucial fixes that they leave out. However, they promise that they will be fixed in the sequel. So we wait with baited breath as the hyped-up publicity for this sequel promises us that this time, they've finally got it right, that this really is "the one" we've been waiting for, we're finally about to enter the golden age of gaming nirvana, the game to end all games. After this, we'll never need!
another game again. Except - it never happens. They create another game that improves on some things but breaks others that use to be working. And before they've finished fixing all the new problems, they pull support completely to go away and work on some other new game that promises to be "the one". And there we have it. Another game to look at and think "If only they'd tweaked this bit here and that bit there. Why didn't they? WHY WHY, WHY?" We sob about it for years and years, banging our heads against the computer terminal in frustration but they never tell us the reason.

I believe I know the reason. It's a conspiracy, a deep dark conspiracy so far-reaching and diabolical in its interwoven and intricate network of intrigue that it has become the conspiracy to end all conspiracies, for it is the secret conspiracy of games developers! Yes, for you see, "The Ultimate Game" already exists! That's right, it does, but it's hidden in a secret underground location, rumoured to be in the location of Area 51. And it was partly developed by alien technology. And once a year, game developers from all around the world secretly come to this place to play it. And as they play it with nirvanic ecstasy, they laugh at us. They laugh at how they keep milking us for all the money they can while they continue to sucker us in with their empty promises of what their next game will bring. Because they know, you see, that if we were ever to discover this ultimate game, their source of income would end, their livelihood would be over, their careers would be ruined. So!
there! You heard it first at Apolyton!

PS: A list of a few "If only" games.
Imperium Galatica 2 - If only it had better AI.
MOO2 - If only they'd kept the elements of MOO1 that made it work.
Railroad Tycoon 2 - If only you could build tunnels.
Deer Hunter - If only we could shoot the games developers instead of the deer.

Please add to this "If only" list in your responses to this column.

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I enjoy TV, computer games, books and am currently in the throes of changing my career from computer programmer to scriptwriter

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