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181# CHARACTERS / GRAPHICS 2 articles, 1 subject: civ3... 180# ULTIMATE MODS: MAKING GAMES OBSOLETE Mods and first person shooters... 179# THE JOYS AND FRUSTRATING ELEMENTS OF THE CIV SERIES A full analysis of the bad and the good of all civ games! 178# A SPLITTING HEADACHE? All great empires eventually died, why should yours be any different? 177# WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AT THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE? Will wants more reality in war, peace and his people COLUMN ARCHIVE

I'm a historical accuracy freak. I'm not proud of the fact, but I'm learning to live with the shame and now I walk tall and proud, ignoring the shrill and mocking voices of the children in the streets. For one afflicted in such a way Civ offers countless pleasures, as I get to slavishly recreate empires whilst toying with the slightly kinky frisson of alternate realities with new futures unravelling before my bloodshot eyes. Strangely enough, I'm not greatly bothered when the end results differ wildly from "true" history. I care not a jot when outer space is conquered by the Sioux, or when the world's greatest centre of wealth, wonder and culture is Swansea.

However one thing really does stick in my gullet, and that's the "wonders". What the hell are these things and how do they relate to any notion of history outside of that perceived by conspiracy theorists on mescaline? Take the Hanging Gardens as an example- what earthly reason could my citizens have to be so infuriatingly chirpy due to the fact that I've botched together an overly-ambitious patio? The Eiffel Tower? How does the presence of a monstrous steel eyesore create a climate in which other nations become more favourably disposed towards me?

With these thoughts in mind I have prepared a list of suggestions for revamping the wonders in order to reflect reality a little more closely. I humbly submitted them to Mr Meier this morning in the hope that he would see fit to include them in Civ 3. I can't say that I hold out much hope, especially in view of our past history revolving around my suggestions for SMAC and the restraining order he took out on me. Still, for the benefit of Apolyton, here they are.

United Nations- Possessing this wonder will still give the owner the power to force cease-fires. However in order to reflect the reality of modern diplomacy, whenever conflict breaks out between any players the owner will be forced to send a random selection of units to the warzone so that they can ponce about in powder-blue helmets while having bricks and pointy bits of masonry thrown at them by over-excited local youths.

Manhatten Project- The additional benefit of this wonder is that in all future diplomatic encounters opposing players will smugly remind you that you are responsible foe unleashing this evil upon the world. They will continue to do so until you're ready to throttle them with their own lungs.

Leonrado's Workshop- In keeping with the reappraising of Da Vinci's reputation as the most overrated man of all time, the builder of this miracle will gain a bunch of bizarre helicopters that won't fly, and everyone else will spend the rest of history arguing about whether you're gay.

Great Pyramid- Rather than holding great bounties of crops, this wonder will usher in an exciting new era of brother/sister incestuous inbreeding followed by a drought that will bring your civilisation to it's knees.

Great Wall- A message box will flash up reading "You have unleashed a horde of European backpackers!".

Adam Smith's Trading Co.- Every one of your cities will spontaneously create a new type of specialist alongside tax-collectors etc. The new one fulfills no obvious function, but wears too much hair gel, drives a BMW and disappears off to Tuscany whenever there's real work to be done.

Shakespeare's Theatre- The city housing this wonder instantly becomes filled with appalling camp luvvies attempting to express the crushing alienation of 21st century urban society through the medium of dance. In green lycra.

Michelangelo's Chapel- Your economy receives a massive boost as thousands of lean and sinewy boys on Vespa scooters pick the pockets of millions of gawping tourists.

King Richard's Crusade- You will have much the same effect on international diplomatic relations as several million tonnes of falling glass shards coated in curare would have on a naturist camp. All your citizens will hate you until you're dead, upon which you will inexplicably become a national hero of hotly-disputed sexual orientation.

Cure for Cancer- Rioting breaks out in the city in which this wonder is housed. Within days it will be torched by PETA.

Lighthouse- You get to grow a big beard, smoke a pipe and wear a chunky cable-knit sweater. You also get to direct passing ships onto the rocks for a laugh.

SETI Project- A new specialist appears in your city- shadowy men in black. People start disappearing all over the globe. On every ten turns you will receive a forcible anal probe. All your opponents start to use the expression "Geek" when referring to you.

Women's Suffrage- Thousands of women's rights activists take to your streets. Your phallocentric government faces overthrow, until the marchers plans are scuppered due to the fact that their proposed marching route to your capital takes them past a really good shoe shop.

I have also suggested a few new wonders, being "World Wide Web", "Bubblewrap" and "Pizza Hut". The lawyers are still studying that last one.

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Bugs is rapidly losing his grip on reality

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