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For a long time we've been waiting to hear about Civ 3, and finally people in the know are starting to talk!

But several key players' voices continue to be conspicuously absent from the public discourse surrounding Civ. Fortunately, I was able to use my Apolyton membership credentials (yes, believe it or not, it worked) and spoke to two of these long-standing players in the Civ franchise. Not only were they WILLING to talk, but in fact nobody had ever told them they could NOT talk. Turns out they simply had never been asked to speak on Civ before.

So, while I cannot divulge their true names (I myself don't even know them), I CAN say that they are the talent behind two of the original game units. No, not the human artists. Talented as those people are, they're just the costume designers.

I'm talking about an interview with the UNITS THEMSELVES.

That's right, for the first time anywhere you are about to hear from the mouths of the 'pixel performers' who have flawlessly portrayed the roles of 'Catapult' and 'Caravan' (he hates the word camel) literally billions of times in two of the most successful strategy titles in the history of gaming.

Full Disclosure: I don't have permission from Firaxis to publish this interview, and the information divulged therein. However, according to the pixels agents, nobody ever signed them to a contract! That's right, apparently this is standard practice across the gaming industry. So frankly we're in virgin territory here; but if Dan and Mark are willing to stick their necks out and print what the pixels have to say, I don't see why Civ fans should be deprived of hearing their perspective.

This interview begins, as all interviews must in this day and age, with an inexplicable description of what I, the interviewer, did on my way to the interview location:

Driving onto the renovated Maryland estate that (we'll call him) 'Catapult' purchased for seven figures back in 1997, I can't help but wonder how many Civ fans drive past that rural entrance every day and don't know that a genuine computer pixel talent lives behind these unassuming, countried stone walls.

Catapult greets me at the door; Caravan, he tells me, is waiting for us in the library. What do they look like in real life? Well, remember the first time you saw your girlfriend without any makeup? EXACTLY. Only pixels.

Also, talking to them you can't help but think to yourself this is THE catapult and THE caravan; and all those games you played come back in fragments throughout the afternoon. I don't know how much detail you want, but when we are seated in the library, a maid whom 'Catapult' forces to dress in Lara Croft costume (she isn't THE Lara, I assure you) serves us foie gras and we talk about last night's episode of "Will & Grace." We dispense with the usual questions, 'No, their performances are not coded, rather, being code themselves, they are able to portray their characters simultaneously, etc.' If that isn't clear to you, put it another way. It's as if movie actors were able to play their parts live on every movie screen in the world at the same time; you get the idea. The official interview begins.

Q: How did you meet Sid Meier?

CATAPULT: Sid used me as one of the engines in Railroad Tycoon 2. You don't remember me, I was one of the slow ones available to the player early on. I wasn't called on to perform very often. Fortunately Sid liked my work, called me up and asked if I'd be interested in a world-building gig. He said it was a much bigger part and the rest is history.

Q: I see, and as it turned out it was a part for a really slow pixel.

CATAPULT: That's correct. I was born for it.

CARAVAN: I met Sid at a party in the late '80s. He played me on an arcade game in Nevada that wasn't very well written and after that we went our separate ways. A few years later I was hiding out on the hard drive of an insurance company in Lubbock, Texas (long story), and there was a little start-up down there named 'Id' working on a shooter. I was desperate. True story: I was this close to being one of the goo-monsters in DOOM when I got the call from Maryland. Sid was at Microprose at that time and apparently he remembered me from that video game! Go figure.

Q: So what I'm hearing is that life hasn't always been easy for the two of you.

CATAPULT: Hey, when you're young, baby, that's the score. Mustard sandwiches are on the menu?

CARAVAN: I'm still in program. That's not a pun -- I'm serious, I'm completely sober. And I have Sid to thank for it.

Q: Wow, there's something the fans never knew: Caravan is on the wagon.

CARAVAN: Just so you know, I find puns offensive.

Q: Sorry. So: Civ I.

CATAPULT: Hated it.

CARAVAN: Totally blew. I mean they gave you this flattened out costume and you had to move, (here he stands and demonstrates) on your back, like this, always looking the same way. See?

Q: Oh my god that's exactly it! That's caravan!

('Caravan' murmurs something cynical and pushes out a laugh; then he sits back down and lights a cigarette).

CATAPULT: Look, 8 bits, 16 bits, it was never enough. You had to see it from our perspective. Everyone back then, Sid especially, was always saying how gameplay was the thing that would make us a hit. And it WAS the thing. But at what cost? You see? We had these programmers who called us 'the whiners.' WHINERS? Let me tell you something, I may PLAY a slow-ass catapult on screen, but I'm made of light, baby -- I got game. And I'm here to tell you, those early builds were soul-crushers. Carpal tunnel does not begin to describe the agony of even a 200 turn game in those early Civ I days?

Q: Jump forward. Brian Reynolds.

CATAPULT: Hated him.

CARAVAN: Loved him.

Q: He was the lead designer on Civ 2; were you happy with your expanded roles?

CATAPULT: What expanded role?

CARAVAN: I was very happy. I thought Brian brought a needed subtext to what I was all about as the Caravan. It was a brilliant trade system, I might add. I hope he calls me up from BHG.

CATAPULT: I could not disagree more. For me, Civ 2 will always be that constant sound of 'fuh-duh-duh-d-d-d-d-d-d' in my ears. You gotta remember, a LOT of people play that frickin' game. And I gotta show up every time.

Q: Speaking of, were there ever any moments in Civ 2 where you thought, Gee, this player doesn't really know what he or she is doing?

CATAPULT: (HUGE laugh) Oh, yeah! Oh, can we talk? Honey, let's talk. I mean. First of all, HELLO? I got one defense point. Get it? Uno, un, ein. And I'm all alone in a Capitol city with no wall, get it? My ass is hanging WAY out there. Look, I put my heart into every performance, I don't want to die because some geek doesn't know how to use my character.

Q: I just want to say I NEVER left you alone in an unfortified city.

CATAPULT: Thirty-nine times. Believe me, I remember. It gets so bad you stop wanting the player to win. I mean I see my yellow line going red and sometimes I just think, "Man, this guy's a loser" and I'll be honest with you. I have been known to die a few algorythms early. Sometimes I even give it the extra 'GASP, COUGH, CHOKE.' You don't notice, but I do. It's a little grace note, pride of performance. And of course it's also my way of saying, 'So long, suckuh.'

Q: Okay, Civ 3. I know that's a contentious issue for the two of you. How much can you talk about?

CARAVAN: I can't talk at all about it.

Q: Why not?

CARAVAN: (shifts awkwardly, drags his cigarette; Catapult stares down at the floor and clear his throat) Because I'm not in it.

Q: You're not in it' That's HUGE!

CARAVAN: Yeah, well' (he shrugs and stares out the window) What can you do? Apparently Briggs, you know, look, we had... You know what' I don't want to talk about this.

CATAPULT: Oh just say it!

CARAVAN: We had artistic differences.

CATAPULT: Jeff Briggs thought his performance was clumsy. We had a big meeting about it among the pixels. Tank, Mech, Spy, Diplomat. All the big guns. Settler, even.

Q: Really. His manager didn't return any of my calls.

CARAVAN: Send him a basket. He thinks because he's the first one on screen that means he must be the star. Please. Don't make me say "Don't get me started." He's almost as bad as AEGIS Cruiser. What nut-job that guy is.

CATAPULT: Anyway, we were all meeting to strike Civ 3 on Carvan's behalf.

Q: (mouth agape, speechless)

CATAPULT: It's true. Some of us felt that it wasn't Civ without Caravan so we put it to a vote. I said, Let's strike and let them hire some babbling orc to sling rocks. In the end, of course, we couldn't get a quorum. Nobody wanted to take on Firaxis. Sid's too smart, his current deal with all the pixels in Civ 3 is 'favored nations.'

CARAVAN: Which basically means everybody gets screwed the same.

CATAPULT: And in the end nobody wanted to upset Sid, because some of the units feared they might get even more screwed than was our standard per diem.

CARAVAN: Eh, water under the bridge. I take the long view. In the end, I had a good run. (he flicks ash off his cigarette on to Catapult's Zulu rug, I think I recognize it from Civ 2's throne room).

Q: Caravan, I used to play whole games just to move you around and set up trade routes. You were awesome. And if this is true, that you're not going to be in Civ 3, I'm sure many, many fans will miss you.

CARAVAN: The good news is I might be coming back in a different, albeit smaller, role. My agents are negotiating right now so that's all I can really say about it at this time.

CATAPULT: He's going to be Chairman Mao's smile. (laughing) I'm just kidding.

CARAVAN: I'll be Abe Lincoln's ass if that's what Sid wants. Criminy Christmas, it's Civ 3.

Q: Catapult? We've all seen the new look. You're looking very good.

CATAPULT: You ain't seen nothing yet. I'm particularly proud of my 'sitting idle' look. That was something I was lobbying for way back when we were rehearsing for Civ I. I kept telling Sid it was a hot move, I'd say, Sid watch this. See how I'm doing this' I'm an Idle Catapult. It was very cool. But I guess it takes a genius ten years to recognize another genius. So what can you do?

Q: Well, thanks for your time and inviting me out to your farm. I think the readers at Apolyton will appreciate you coming forward, especially not knowing if Firaxis is going to sanction this interview or not.

CARAVAN: [deleted] 'em. No, I'm kidding! Don't print that. (he puts out his cigarette)

Q: Any closing words for the fans?

CARAVAN: Get a life.

CATAPULT: Get a phalanx, preferably two, with city walls.

Author's Note: after the interview, 'Caravan' went back to his hotel and 'Catapult' took me out to his acreage where he flung me three hundred and fifty-three feet and I broke my nose.

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Raingoon is a professional writer who procrastinates WAY too much

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